More NICU Poetry

—

Hospital elevator,

A nurse pushing a cart,

“Oh, you’re on the 3rd floor? How is your baby?”

English isn’t her first language,

I point to my visitor badge,

“She’s in the NICU,”

“Nice,” she laughs,

I look away,

We reach the 3rd floor and I hold the hallway door for her as she pushes her cart,

“I’msosorrythankyousir,” she cries.

———

We quit partying 9 months ago,

I wasn’t going to for another 18 years,

She didn’t have a heart beat for 13 minutes,

I could use a drink,

I buy pokemon cards and flowers instead,

I realize if she dies, we can both party,

She starts to stabilize,

I miss partying.

———

All three of us are together,

Her nurse gives us 2 chairs and space,

We look at how big her fingernails are,

Almost as big as mine,

The nurses talk behind us,

As people do at work,

“Have you seen the show Wednesday?”

I remember the doctors told us we should know more by Tuesday,

“I watched it with Susan’s little one,”

I envision watching television with my little one one day,

“We invented snack club, it was the best thing ever,”

I feel the worst I have ever felt in my entire life,

So far. 

———

She shakes her little hand at god,

Angry,

Her birthday was the worst day of her parents’ lives,

Gravity is heavier,

I filed a complaint the second day we were here,

Nobody answered the hospital’s patient relations line so I called the state board of medicine,

I told them it wasn’t malpractice but it did seem unprofessional and problematic,

And I didn’t yell at the charge nurse, I wasn’t even that rude,

Is that why they’re killing our baby?

Or is she dying because we didn’t get the anesthetic we wanted?

———

I went home first and started hiding all the baby stuff in the house,

Then I realized that that would probably make her even sadder,

So I put it all back.

———

The cashier at the hospital cafeteria gave me the employee discount when she saw my NICU badge,

I’d pay $1.74 to take my baby home right now.

It feels stupid to still have a big pregnant belly and no baby to show for it 

And then you remember your baby’s down the hall 

Something about not having her in your arms 

About never (yet) having held her in your arms

Makes her less real 

I never learned object permanence 

——

I can hear other people’s babies crying in other rooms

I’ve never heard my baby cry 

It feels rotten to rue other people’s joy 

Like Helen Hunt at the end of as good as it gets, single and hating happy couples 

When you’re down and they’re up, it’s easy to hate them 

You’ve been there before—envying happy families with a thinly veiled rage 

You thought this was finally your chance to be up. To have your dreams as flawed as they are.

Every time you’re down is another chance to have more grace 

———

What could I have done differently to prevent this 

Waited less time or more time 

Trusted western medicine less or more 

Eaten less McDonald’s and Halloween candy 

Not gotten angry that one time 

Dr. Hu said I should deliver during week 39

Kate, who has two beautiful boys, said not to let anyone rush me into an induction 

———

How do you let yourself dream again 

Once your dreams have been dashed 

I chose my husband to be 

The father of my baby 

While watching him cry to marvel movies 

And it’s a wonderful life 

I knew we’d cry and laugh together the day our daughter was born

But I didn’t think it would be like this 

I pictured us smiling and crying 

Looking down at our new baby girl in my arms 

Not uttering a quiet “she’s so blue” before seeing her disappear behind a wall of doctors

Looking back at my husband and holding his hand

As we listen to them call out 

Increasing lengths of time with no heartbeat 

Crying because it’s the worst day of our lives 

So far

And laughing because it’s the best way 

We know how to cope 

Crying because we’re in limbo 

Between mourning and hope

And laughing because we must 

Life and death and grief and joy

Look much the same 

On a human face 

Let yourself dream again

You’ll never build a future so bleak

That you’re safe from a good dashing 

———

We love you so much baby girl 

We’re doing everything we can for you

We do everything for you 

Whatever you want 

We can’t wait to bring you home baby girl 

We promise you’ll love it there

You’ll be the head honcho

King of the castle

Ruler of the roost

Whatever you want 

Really whatever you want 

You’re so strong baby girl

A real trooper 

So resilient 

Every day you’re more in the pink 

You can be whatever you want 

Really whatever you want 

You’ve seen some challenges baby girl

A tough row to hoe 

Maybe a rough road ahead

Maybe no road at all

Whatever you want 

Really whatever you want 

———

HIE BABY

So sit back and listen to a story

Hypoxic-Ischemic Encephalopatory 

Nuchal cord too, that’s a cord around the neck

For when you need to nail home the butterfly effect 

And meconium aspiration 

Cause shit eaters—we rule the nation 

A girl with no pulse for 13 minutes 

That’s how you start life if you want to win it 

A cyborg zombie; punk as fuck

Like Britney she makes her own luck

Already on morphine and dopamine

You’re so dope, I mean 

You’re the coolest thing

—

More NICU Poetry